


Objectively Obstinate

by Band_aid



Category: Love Live! School Idol Project
Genre: F/F, Maki Has a Crush, Maki is Hopeless, There are Other Ships But They're Really Minor, WikiHow Saves the Day
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-12-29
Updated: 2015-12-29
Packaged: 2018-05-10 06:20:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,786
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5574148
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Band_aid/pseuds/Band_aid
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Bottom line: Maki Nishikino is not jealous. Not at all. At least, that's what she keeps telling herself. But feelings can go die in a hole and she'll be damned if she lives to see herself admit it.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Objectively Obstinate

**Author's Note:**

> in which maki discovers she is very, very gay.  
> edit: updated to add a small scene + grammatical shit. i know its been 2 years, what do u want from me

As a child, Maki thought little about the concept of love.

Its importance was far outweighed by which dress she would wear for the day--pink or _extra_ pink--and promises of a future that she could build upon herself. While other girls her age were holding hands with boys, her mother was teaching her how to use a stethoscope. During Valentine’s Day, she was practicing piano for hours. And while all her high school friends hooked up together, she found herself, again, alone.

Love was, like any other emotion, a feeling that pervaded her childhood like summer cicadas as mere background noise. As she grew older, she remained indifferent; boys were gross, and sex ed did little to help her opinion on pregnancy, and so a thirteen year old Maki declared to her mom one evening that she would never marry--that she would grow old by herself, in a big house, married to her work with no children. Love simply wasn't for her.

Now, as a freshman in college, Maki could say with certainty she _hated_ love.

What Maki had decided would be a small, quiet study session with Rin and Hanayo (because she hadn’t seen them in some time, what with being separated by distance) turned quickly into, more accurately, a study _date_ with the unexpected and uninvited arrival of Yours Truly, the dense object of Maki’s reluctant attention, Nico, and her girlfriend of two weeks, Nozomi.

In any other circumstance, Maki could give the two of them the benefit of the doubt. Although they had mysteriously materialized, in nearly every outing Maki planned (the mall, the movie theater, the park, etc.), those situations could, at the very _least_ be considered coincidences, and at _most_ stalking. However, lines must be drawn, and this-- _this_ is where Maki drew hers. There was no way, no conceivable way, that Nico decided _on her own_ to go to the library with the intention of studying. As fucking _if_.

She, the little manipulative gremlin she _embodied_ , had an ulterior motive. This was the conclusion Maki had come to after being forced to watch fifteen minutes of cavity-inducing PDA, with the inclusion of lovey-dovey googly eyes and hand-holding, smeared directly in her face. Yes, a motive that included poor Maki, merely a victim in this awful game of cat and mouse. Maybe, being the only soul (well, other than Eli) to remain single, even as an eighteen year old, incited Nico to rub her relationship all over her, in public, wherever she went. What a slut for attention.

Never before had Nozomi’s cinnamon shampoo smelled as _disgusting_ ly vulgar as when Nico commented on it. Her mouth moved, but Maki’s ears had grown so hot she could barely hear what was said. Something that could make teeth fall out, probably. The fact that Rin and Hanayo were eating up her words made Maki question who she could call a friend in this war.

If this was purgatory, just send her to the Jewish equivalent of hell.

“Oh, you know, Christmas Eve is almost here! Just ten left!” Rin cheered and gathered a few rigid stares in her direction from people who just wanted to study; Maki could empathize with them.

Hanayo turned to Rin and nodded while Maki threw herself back into her notebook. “We should go out for dinner. I’m kind of craving rice,” she said, and Rin laughed, leaning back and closing the book she’d barely touched.

“You’re _always_ craving rice, Kayo-chin, but that’s okay! We can go to that restaurant with all-you-can-eat rice!”

Maki made a “sh” motion with one index finger, and Rin nervously scratched her neck.

“Aw, don’t be such a prissypants, Maki-chan,” Nico chimed in, folding her hands beneath her chin, “You’re just jealous ‘cause _we_ each have someone to spend Christmas Eve with.”

Maki didn’t bother looking up as she felt Nico’s hard stare burn into her hair and a churning sensation boil in her stomach while her face reddened. Her mind reeled so far, she couldn’t hope to bring it back and absorb the information she had finished reading.

This, Maki realized, must be the feeling of pure, complete, unadulterated _loathing_.

“Nozomi- _chan_ ,” Nico continued, and Maki felt herself flinch at how repulsively sweet she sounded--worse yet, she seemed to stare right at Maki, despite her girlfriend sitting right next to her, “well, she and I were thinking of doing something too, hm?” She put her hand in Nozomi’s and squeezed, and Maki nearly vomited on the spot. She must have been _trying_ to make her sick with annoyance.

“Mhm. Elicchi and I are staying until winter break is over, too, so we can all spend a lot of time together,” Nozomi said, nostalgia lacing her voice. She filtered between Rin, Hanayo, and Maki.

“Good! It feels like you two have been gone for _sooo_ long,” Rin said and pouted, nudging closer to Nozomi.

“Yeah, everyone here has really missed you. Honoka-chan, Kotori-chan, Umi-chan... Maki-chan too, right?”

“Eh?” Maki glanced to Hanayo. “Uh, yeah. It’s been... really lonely without you guys.”

Maki had only said the words to get the group off her back, but quickly noticed her mistake when Nozomi took on a more sinister, knowing grin.

“You know, Maki-chan, if you’re feeling a little lonely, I can always find someone for you to spend time with. Last minute is a little difficult, but it’s nothing I can’t handle.”

Maki froze, eyes wide and ears red. The pencil she’d been pressing against her notebook suddenly snapped, and a thick piece of graphite flung across the table and _smack_!

An inaudible gasp floated across the table as Nico stared, slack jawed, clutching near her eye. Her shocked expression soon evaporated into anger.

“ _Hey_ , what the hell was--”

Maki stood abruptly and flinched when her chair scratched against the floor. It seemed nearly everyone in the library had turned to face their small corner, and Maki felt her knuckles turn white as she gripped the table. Nico gaped at her while she slid from her seat and walked the sixteen clumsy steps to the pencil sharpener.

She thought she’d grown accustomed to Nozomi’s teasing, but apparently she was wrong in that aspect as well. Behind her, she heard the odd word here and there--probably about her, and how weird she was acting, but Maki couldn’t tell herself why she had just done that--why she had responded so _strangely_ to Nozomi’s... well, Nozomi-like suggestion. Maki was beginning to frighten even herself at this stage; she knew Nico had irritated her, but never to this degree. Never did she want to slap Nico so hard across the cheek (and, well, she’d already gone halfway with a piece of graphite).

Maki swallowed down her bile and pushed the pencil into the sharpener, clutching it tightly. Anger--anger was better than _this_. She practiced her angry face against the pencil sharpener and was sure many were wondering what her deal was, but that served as _more_ foundation for her anger, and when she pictured Nico’s gross face in her mind, that sealed the deal. It took a conscious effort not to break the pencil sharpener. By the time she'd gone back to her seat, Rin gave her a devious smile, and Maki returned her an incredulous cocked eyebrow.

Maki hoped they could simply go back to studying without another word about what just happened, but apparently ("supposedly," "allegedly" in the biggest quotation marks possible) everyone else had come to some conclusion by themselves judging by how they each stared at Maki.

“Well? Did you give any thought to what I said before?” Nozomi teased.

Maki resembled an odd caricature, eyes seeming to bulge out of her sockets. “N-no! I don’t need anyone to spend Christmas Eve with. Christmas Day will be more fun anyways.” She glanced around at the table and then down at her book, the words blurring together.

“Are you sure? If there’s anything you like in a date, I can certainly—“

Maki _did not_ come here to talk about her love life.

“L-look, I can’t really focus right now, so I think I’m going to go study at home. If you guys,” she turned to Rin and Hanayo, “need tutoring, just text me later."

Without another word or waiting for a reply, Maki stood from the table and slung her bag over her shoulder. Her hand subconsciously strangled the strap. “I’ll see you later,” she said before walking off.

“Hm,” Nozomi hummed, forming a small smile as she watched Maki disappear, “I think it might be too late for that.”

Hanayo looked up. “Huh? Did you say something?”

“Nothing, nothing.”

 

* * *

 

 

> _ updating group chat: ‘nyaaaaaaaaaawn ;3;’ _
> 
> n1kino: I. Am. Not Jealous.
> 
> rinrinringabell: i dunnoooooo maki-chan
> 
> rinrinringabell: you seemed preeeeetty jealous yesterday ;3c
> 
> rinrinringabell: are you SURE you don’t have anyyyy
> 
> n1kino: Any what??????
> 
> rinrinringabell: you knowwww
> 
> rinrinringabell: personal feeeelings about their relationship?

 

This was Maki’s life now, and she accepted it; weeks of her friends being obnoxious, days she _could_ have spent studying flushed down the drain forever, time wasted she’ll never get back. She could barely concentrate during class now with Nico’s and Nozomi’s faces cluttering her mind.

She liked to think of herself as anything _but_ an overthinker, but Hanayo had pointed out several times this was probably the opposite of the case. Okay, maybe she did have a tendency to overthink things, but _this_ time she had a valid point to make. There was something eating at her throughout this entire situation, and she would get to the bottom of it.

Hypothesis A (aka, the more likely scenario): She had finally realized her true feelings of intense hatred for Nico and only now were they beginning to manifest fully. This made the most sense to her, as her pervasive feelings of self-importance over Nico reminded her instantly of the passive-aggressive battle she found herself trapped in. Also, this would mean her feelings were purely because of Nico’s actions.

Hypothesis B: It was Nico’s _in_ actions that were causing her this amount of grief. The fact that Nico was acting like she’d never done so before--maybe relationships changed people like that. Maybe, in some sense, she missed their banter and their usual strifes--of course, this was only hypothesis B, and Maki remained somewhat confident that hypothesis A was the correct one, because Nico was _Nico_.

Her friends, however, seemed to disagree with both of her ideas. Vehemently. Plagued by her own thoughts and her friends’ opinions, Maki couldn’t escape.

She needed a more professional opinion.

 

> n1kino: Anyway,
> 
> n1kino: Christmas is almost here.

 

Maki typed, tapping her pen against the desk. Christmas was now only six days away, she noted dryly. She’s supposed to love Christmas, she’s supposed to feel _excited_ , but all she could really feel in the pit of her stomach was _something_ indiscernible and disconcerting.

Immediately, her phone blew up.

 

> rinrinringabell: OH NO
> 
> n1kino: ???????
> 
> rinrinringabell: oh no no no no maki-chan
> 
> rinrinringabell: silly maki-chan
> 
> rinrinringabell: you aren’t getting out of this one scot-free.
> 
> rinrinringabell: no siree
> 
> rinrinringabell: come on maki-chan just tell us the truth!!!
> 
> rinrinringabell: kayochin wants to know too, right?!?
> 
> ricegoddess: Well,
> 
> rinrinringabell: SEE
> 
> rinrinringabell: spill the beans maki-chan!! tell US THE TRUTH
> 
> n1kino: I am telling you the truth!!!!
> 
> rinrinringabell: :((((

 

Maki frowned absently while she tapped her pen furiously, waiting for the next text. For some reason.

 

> ricegoddess: Hm…. You know, I’ve been thinking,
> 
> ricegoddess: Isn’t it a little odd that Nozomi-chan and Nico-chan are always following us around, RIn-chan?
> 
> rinrinringabell: :oooo!!!!
> 
> rinrinringabell: exactamundo!!!
> 
> rinrinringabell: rin wonders if maaaaaybe
> 
> rinrinringabell: maaaaybe it’s the opposite!!
> 
> rinrinringabell: maybe maki-chan invited us out to SPY on them!!!
> 
> rinrinringabell: (ΦзΦ)
> 
> n1kino: As if I wanted to see them snogging each other’s faces off!!

 

Maki frowned at her phone and minimized the chat. She began to sift through emails, grade notifications, a text from her papa, and some news about the sales for their new single that came out not a month ago.

In fact, as Maki recalled it was a little after recording Zurui Yo Magnetic Today that Nico started acting strange and avoiding her. It was then that Maki frequently saw--or heard--that Nico and Nozomi were off somewhere together, doing who-knows-what with their usual ingenuity for screwing stuff up. Maybe Maki should have known this was going to happen; the signs were all there. Nico had, after all, left the studio in a hurry after finishing the recording, mumbling something Maki couldn't understand and leaving her and Nozomi to pack up the set and go over the finished product. Did she really not see it coming, or was it as out-of-the-blue as she expected?

Maki continued to stare at her phone, specifically at Nico’s number, the _hypocrite_ , and the last time they actually had a conversation. The timestamp read Friday, December 9th, at 5:07 p.m.

 

> n1kino: I still don’t want to do this song.
> 
> niconii: C’MON maki-chan nozomi put SO MUCH EFFORT into this
> 
> niconii: like, i’m pretty sure she wrote the ENTIRE thing
> 
> niconii: with, like, maybe minimal effort from umi
> 
> niconii: c’mon just do it with me
> 
> niconii: u kno u wanna ;D
> 
>  
> 
> n1kino is now idle!
> 
>  
> 
> niconii: :( bitch

 

Before she could scroll further up the chat, her phone vibrated with a barrage of texts from her supposed “friends.”

 

> rinrinringabell: hmmmm they’re kinda cute
> 
> rinrinringabell: don’t you think kayochin??
> 
> ricegoddess: Yes, I think so! They make a very cute couple.
> 
> rinrinringabell: but not as cute as kayochin!!!!!!!!!!
> 
> rinrinringabell: (♥ω♥*)
> 
> ricegoddess: ( *’ω’* )
> 
> n1kino: Ugh. I have class now. I have to get back soon.
> 
> rinrinringabell: but you still haven’t told us what you think about nico-chan and nozomi-chan!! ;;

 

Maki blinked at her screen, finding the words too blurry to read. She shook her head and began typing again as the professor strolled in.

Without realizing exactly what she was writing, Maki spoke her mind.

 

> n1kino: What is there to say? They’re not cute, they’re just annoying and in-your-face, and it’ll be troublesome if they break up. Relationships based on puppy love are fleeting.

 

The next words weighed heavily on Maki’s mind.

 

> ricegoddess: Or, they could get married!

 

Maki barely heard the professor call her name.

 

* * *

 

Maki sighed and ran a hand across her forehead, fingers tangling in her hair. What else could she say? What was she even _trying_ to say? The comment Hanayo had made earlier that day still plagued her mind and made her hands clammy.

 

> n1kino: I don’t know, it just kind of feels like we’re all drifting apart, I guess.
> 
> harash0: Are you sure you aren’t being
> 
> harash0: I don’t know, just a little melodramatic?
> 
> harash0: I mean, yeah, interdating can be a little weird, but it was fine when Rin and Hanayo got together,
> 
> harash0: Well they’re not the best example. I’m pretty sure they’ve been dating since they were ten.
> 
> harash0: But Kotori and Umi, at least.
> 
> harash0: Even Tsubasa and Honoka have been together for a while.
> 
> n1kino: Oh, really? I didn’t know they got together.
> 
> harash0: Yeah, after Honoka graduated high school.
> 
> harash0: Anyway, though,
> 
> harash0: Why don’t you just tell them how you feel about it?
> 
> n1kino: Eli, do you even hear yourself now?!
> 
> n1kino: Or see
> 
> n1kino: I guess.
> 
> n1kino: I can’t just TELL them how I feel. Nico-chan would probably take it personally anyways and get defensive.
> 
> harash0: Well, what do you need my advice for, then?
> 
> n1kino: I wanted to ask you,
> 
> n1kino: What do you think about them?
> 
> harash0: What do you mean what do I think?
> 
> n1kino: I don’t know, I mean
> 
> n1kino: You and I are the only two who aren’t dating anyone currently.
> 
> n1kino: I guess I just wanted a second opinion from someone who has to deal with all this too.
> 
> harash0: Well, they’re happy, right?
> 
> harash0: That’s what’s important, I think. Even if Nico can be a little...  over-the-top.
> 
> harash0: Are you worried about them, or something?
> 
> n1kino: No? I don’t think so. They’re just grinding my gears. I think Nico is trying to rub it in my face or something.
> 
> n1kino: That she’s dating Nozomi.
> 
> harash0: What makes you say that?
> 
> n1kino: Maybe the fact that she’s practically been following me EVERYWHERE. And the fact that we both go to Tokyo University doesn’t help!!
> 
> n1kino: She’s CONSTANTLY getting on my nerves on PURPOSE.
> 
> harash0: Hm...

 

It was another few minutes before Eli responded. Maki had been scrolling through Yahoo Answers when she received a ping.

 

> harash0: How do you feel about the situation?
> 
> n1kino: Not happy.
> 
> n1kino: I don’t know if I’m mad, or whatever, but definitely not happy.
> 
> n1kino: I don’t want to say I hate her, but it’s really starting to feel like that’s EXACTLY how I feel. I just can’t stand Nico anymore, and I don’t know why!! I’ve never FELT like this before.
> 
> n1kino: I feel bad! I’m not supposed to hate her, she’s my friend
> 
> n1kino: um
> 
> n1kino: I meant our friend.
> 
> n1kino: She never really DID anything I guess, I’m just being an ass about the whole thing.
> 
> n1kino: Maybe it’s me, and not her.
> 
> n1kino: In fact, that’s probably it.
> 
> n1kino: But the fact still remains that she is being kind of a bitch about the whole thing.
> 
> n1kino: Sometimes I just wish we could go back to high school. Everyone feels a lot farther away now that we’re all going to different schools.
> 
> n1kino: You and Nozomi are in America, and even though I appreciate you guys visiting as often as you can, it still sucks.
> 
> n1kino: Even Kotori was in France up until a little while ago, and now she’s going to Bunka Gakuen. I mean, it’s not FAR, but, still, everyone’s going to different colleges.
> 
> n1kino: Honoka is going to Daito Bunka with Rin, and Umi’s at Musashino, and Hanayo’s off at Tsuji.
> 
> n1kino: I mean I’m glad you’re all pursuing your dreams and all of course.
> 
> n1kino: I kind of wish I could do that too
> 
> n1kino: But I just feel weird.
> 
> n1kino: I know that’s not very descriptive but it’s the best way I can describe myself right now.
> 
> n1kino: Umi’s better at this stuff, I think.
> 
> harash0: No, that was good.
> 
> harash0: Why don’t you just tell Nico all of what you told me?
> 
> n1kino: Because!!!
> 
> n1kino: She’d
> 
> n1kino: She’d hate me, probably, because she thinks I’m being stuck-up.
> 
> n1kino: God, I hate her.
> 
> harash0: Sorry, Maki, I can’t really help you as well as I’d like to.
> 
> harash0: Sometimes listening to some of our old music helps me.
> 
> harash0: But if you need to talk, I’m here, and in the right timezone.
> 
> harash0: :P
> 
> harash0: (Nozomi taught me that one!)
> 
> harash0: Good luck, Maki.
> 
> harash0: I hope eventually you find a way to tell Nico how you truly feel.
> 
>  
> 
> harash0 is now idle!

Maki stared at the blinking text on her screen, hands itching to say _something_ against her laptop. She just couldn’t find the words. Did it even matter anyways?

She returned to her previous window. How to Tell if You Like a Girl as More Than a Friend.

 

* * *

 

Within the confines of Maki's room, she was safe. She didn't have to watch Nico's hand sliding through Nozomi's hair, nor Nozomi touching noses with her, nor the two of them giggling like schoolgirls in love. She didn't have to witness any of that. She could quietly open her books, let her eyes glaze over them with vision too blurry to focus on any particular subject, and then she could reel herself back, slam her books shut, and cry out of sheer frustration at her inability to get anything done. Her situation had begun to make less and less sense to her.

The internet was her friend, Maki felt, in her direst time of need. After tossing aside her pen, homework, and notebook stuffed with notes on organic compounds, Maki slid her laptop over her lap and sat on the edge of her bed, careful not to tear the canopy that hung above her. She figured maybe she could get more research done on her emotions if she couldn’t get her homework done. This was not a complete waste of her time.

Though every link she opened (a shocking total of seventeen) focused specifically on a boy liking a girl, Maki felt the contents could apply to her as well. She refused to admit that WikiHow could be her savior. But _whatever_ the cost was--her sanity, her dignity, her egoism--she _needed_ to figure it out.

She took a shaky breath.

 

 

> _Step One: Are you always thinking about her?_

 

Does thinking about strangling her count? Probably. Maki scribbled it down and placed a checkmark next to it.

Okay, next step.

 

> _Step Two: When you see her, hear her name, or think about her, what do you do?_

 

Well, that depended on the situation. If she was begging Maki to go to the store with her so she could get a discount on eggs, then Maki would probably want to buy her a muzzle. But sometimes Nico isn’t _that_ annoying--just a little less so. This one could get a bit tricky; she’d need a better explanation for _exactly_ how she _should_ be thinking for her thoughts to totally not have any gay connotations.

 

> _Do you get excited? Does a smile come to your face? Do you feel butterflies in your stomach? Does your heart beat faster?_

 

Oh fuck this was not good. The feeling of her stomach clenching together from earlier still surfaced in her mind. If this were a test measuring How Straight Are You? she’d probably be failing.

 

> _Step Three: Do you want to talk to her?_

 

Usually no, but...

 

> _Do you try to think of excuses to talk to her? Or reasons to text or call her? Do you go out of your way to ‘casually’ bump into her to start a conversation?_

 

Well, she _has_ texted her “Dumbass” on multiple occasions just to see what her reaction would be. But this is sort of a moot point. Next one.

 

> _Step Four: Do you chicken out of talking to her?_

 

Hey, isn’t this exactly the opposite of the previous step? Whatever. Maki had done this to _several_ people, so this was also an irrelevant question.

 

> _Step Five: How do you feel when she’s around other guys?_ \--girls, Maki corrects in her mind-- _When you see her with other guys_ \--girls, again-- _or when she mentions them, do you feel an intense surge of jealousy?_ \--Oh come _on_ , fuck this. At this point the word was fucking following her everywhere she went.

 

Maybe it would help a bit if she actually _defined_ jealousy. She opened a new tab and began typing.

 

_define: jealousy_

 

_noun_

  1. _the state or feeling of being jealous._



 

Well, that fucking helped a lot.

Fine, smartass, define _jealous_.

 

_adjective_

  1. _feeling or showing envy of someone or their achievements and advantages._
  2. _feeling or showing suspicion of someone's unfaithfulness in a relationship._
  3. _fiercely protective or vigilant of one's rights or possessions._



 

Great, now Google was making her sound like a weirdo. Fuck it. Is there even a point in continuing this? Well, she might as well indulge herself in the next step.

 

> _Step Six: Do you do all you can to be close to her?_

 

Did she? This sounded like something she wouldn’t be able to observe herself. Maybe she could ask Eli later, when she got back.

 

> _Step Seven: Do you find yourself acting or feeling different in her presence?_

 

Now these questions were just getting unfair. That could describe a _lot_ of things. If Maki decided, for some reason, she wanted to punch Nico out of the blue, that would be “different” too, just not in the “different” this dumb WikiHow page thinks she’s acting.

 

> _For example, you're really cool and relaxed when you're talking to a buddy, and then when you start talking to her, you get nervous. You might trip over your words, and your hands might start to sweat. Also, your conversations might be awkward. This usually happens if you like her. Even if you two have been friends for a while, it could still happen. That definitely means that you have special feelings for this girl._

 

“Special feelings,” huh. Special feelings alright.

She opened the curtain draped over her bed and fell back, letting the pink canopy envelop her as her computer flopped on the bed. With only her bare feet sticking out between the lips of the veil, Maki pulled herself up and leaned back on one of the many throne pillows adorning her bed, more-so as decoration than sleeping aides. She pulled her arms in, crossing them over her stomach loosely, and let the crown of the canopy absorb her intense glare. Her mind could not distract herself from the comments Rin made yesterday. And Nico kept creeping into her vision, no matter how many times she closed her eyes.

What was even _special_ about Nico to begin with? She was a bit conceited, and full of herself, had an ego twice her height, and she was rude, irritating, headache-inducing, had zero maturity in the areas it counted, demanding, self-absorbed, and leagues, _leagues_ out of Maki's tier of sophistication.

But she was caring, too. Maki could see how much her little siblings meant to her, and what she’d be willing to do to appear cool to them--even if it meant throwing Maki under the bus with a little white lie. A lie that really hadn’t caused much else other than a bruised ego. Her mind strayed much further than she ever intended to explore; she thought about Nico's enthusiasm, her determination to pursue her dream--something Maki had no guts for. She thought about her passion, her drive, about how hard she must work for her siblings each day, and the skills she had that Maki lacked. Maki hadn't realized she'd been clenching the bedsheets hard until she relaxed her hand, sighing and turning towards the ceiling once more. Her heart felt light in her chest.

Oh. Oh no.

Oh no, no, no, no, _no_. She did not fall for a girl with a personality as flat as her chest. She _shuddered_ at the thought.

Oh god, but it was _true_. She _liked_ her. Like, _liked_ liked her.

She draped an arm over her eyes dramatically, sighing, her breath heavy and warm. Oh god. She really was. She really was done for. She was gay. Gay for _Nico_ of all fucking people.

“I--” she began, chewing on her bottom lip and closing her eyes behind her arm, “Oh. I really--I...  Oh god, I’m in love.”

_And jealous_ , a thought seemed to add.

Saying the words seemed to have some sort of physical impact on her chest. Sitting up, Maki had barely noticed how tangled her hair had become from twisting and turning. Without anyone around to see her in such a state, she couldn’t tell if a smile had taken her face, or if her jaw was unable to move. She looked in the mirror--yeah, fuck, she was definitely smiling.

Before she knew it, she found herself reaching for her laptop once more, only this time with excitement practically causing static on her fingertips. After she winced in pain and kissed the tip of her index finger, she opened her laptop and opened a new tab again--one of the many, _many_ tabs at the top that signified her extensive research into this subject.

_How to know if a girl likes you back._

WikiHow, don’t fail her now.

 

> _Step One: Try to find an important current topic._

 

Uh, a what?

 

> _If she’s interested she will generally make eye contact. When she talks to you, look into HER eyes and seem interested, because when you just stare at a wall the whole time, you give off the impression that what she is saying is not important._

 

Well, that was kind of the basics of Communications 101, but okay. Nico _did_ seem to look intently at her two days ago when she was supposed to be talking to the whole group... and in a sense, it _was_ about Christmas Eve, which is... _a lover’s_ day.

Maki’s jaw dropped. Holy shit, could it be? Maybe she _was_ trying to tell her something. Maybe she _wasn’t_ overthinking it.

 

> _Step Two: When you approach her and her friends, do her friends smile at her then look at you like they know something you don't? Does she scold her friends for saying your name out loud? This might mean that she likes you._

 

Well, Nozomi always looked like that, but maybe WikiHow had a point.

 

> _Step Three: Does she tease you? Like, poke you, or call you names? Tries to touch your hair playfully? This could be a positive sign. But, some girls simply just won't tease who they like._

 

Fucking _score!_ So far, so good.

 

> _Step Four: Hold eye contact! If she looks back just a fraction of a second longer than anyone else would, then this probably means she likes you!_

 

Eugh. Easier said than done. Everytime she looked into Nico’s eyes, she felt like she wanted to just die on the spot. But she could count on two hands the number of time they’d practically had staring contests before, so... did that count?

 

> _Step Five: Smile! Girls tend to like guys_ \--girls, dammit _\--who smile, and are happy._

 

She had a pretty nice smile. And she could _totally_ smile. She’d just need to practice in the mirror for a bit--maybe an hour.

 

> _But, if you are having a bad day, try confiding in her. That will show her that you trust her and value her opinion._

 

Maki rolled her eyes. Next step.

 

> _Step Six: Make a joke that is not that funny, and see if she laughs._

 

Maki never laughed at Nico’s horrible _attempts_ at jokes. Was that sending her a signal of some sort? A bad one?

 

> _Step Seven: Does she come to you with all of her problems? If she does, that means she trusts you and knows you'll listen. So when she comes to you and says something like a personal problem, don't roll your eyes because this is a turn-off with girls._

 

Oops. Too late.

Fuck, there were a lot of steps with this one. Maki could brave through them, though.

 

> _Step Eight: Is she suddenly happy when she's with you? When she's in a neutral state all the time before This is a sign she likes you._

 

What the fuck is a “neutral state”? Whatever, she guessed this one could be applied to her, if only because Maki was _Maki_ , and how could anyone _not_ be happy around her?

 

> _Step Nine: Does she seem to try really hard to be in the same place as you all the time?_

 

Maki nearly fell off the bed as she read the step, choking on her spit and sending a barrage of saliva on her screen. She reached over to wipe it down with a handkerchief before continuing.

 

> _Step Ten: Does she flirt often with you? If so flirt back! But not too much, girls don't like desperate guys_ \--okay, she was kind of tired of correcting these now.

 

Well, what could exactly be considered “flirting”? Maki didn’t think she was entirely a virgin when it came to the art, but surely she would’ve recognized if Nico had used any semblance of a pick-up line on her.

 

_define: flirt_

 

_verb_

  1. _behave as though attracted to or trying to attract someone, but for amusement rather than with serious intentions._
  2. _(of a bird) wave or open and shut (its wings or tail) with a quick flicking motion._



 

No examples, but Maki could safely say it was not the second one.

Though it made her wonder. Was Nico _serious_ about her, or was she just joking around to get a rise out of her? Either was possible...

She took another breath and continued on.

 

> _Step Eleven: When she is talking to you, Try to drag on with the conversation, because one might lead to another and she might feel comfortable enough to ask you out._

 

Not in a million years, WikiHow.

 

> _Step Twelve: Does she do boyish stuff when you're not around, and when she's caught red-handed she stumbles and blushes?_

 

How the fuck did this even relate to her situation? Moving on.

 

> _Step Thirteen: Girls don't like making the first move, so don't feel like she doesn't like you just because she doesn't ask you out. So, you might want to make the first move. But, make sure she likes you._

 

Okay, this one was partially true, in some sense. Maki would rather kiss a toad than have to gather the courage to ask Nico out like that. She was a _lady_ , and she expected to be waited on in some form. Now, her mind raced with ideas of how Nico would ask her out--she _wanted_ something romantic, but she knew romance didn’t seem like Nico’s forte, so maybe she could live without it--unless she decided to take their future into her own hands, but again, she was a _lady_ \--

And Nico had her own lady.

She’d gone through the steps so quickly, she hadn’t realized it until now, but... Nico was already in a relationhip.

Maki figured she’d probably be waiting a long time, then. Nico already _had_ a girlfriend, dumbass. She was probably _happy_ with Nozomi. Whether or not Nico did like her, or even the fact that Maki liked _liked_ her, it didn’t matter. It would be pointless to continue this line of research, because there was nothing she could do about it. She wasn’t about to do anything completely stupid and ruin her friendship with Nico permanently.

Then she’d have to reserve her feelings, wouldn’t she? The new information she’d just received about herself, then, was a completely futile line of questioning. All this research--for naught.

Maybe if things had been different.

 

* * *

 

The days leading up to Christmas, nothing seemed to change much. Sure, Maki had discovered a part of herself that she would rather die than let anyone else see, and she had this itch to slap Nico _incredibly hard_ , but when _didn't_  she want to cave that girl's face in? In fact, it would be weird if she _didn't_ feel that urge every once in a while.

Apart from the guilt eating away at her conscience, Maki was perfectly and completely normal. She still hadn't texted Nico, and Nico still hadn't texted her, and they were very much definitely dancing around the topic like a pair of children. Maki wouldn't be the first to yield. It was a silent, if deadly, battle, and one that Maki had no intention of losing.

As she finally started to _think_  about why she was doing this, two days before Christmas, Maki felt the weight of everything finally settle in her stomach, and she nearly vomited in the third-floor guest bathroom.

When a maid nervously knocking on the bathroom door asked what was wrong, Maki couldn't say, _"I fell in love with a moron and I want to stab her, repeatedly,"_  so she settled for "Stomach flu."

She ended up "bed-ridden" for a day, which gave her time to think. Having flaked on a hang-out with Rin and Hanayo, she woke up to several concerned texts, to which she replied, "Sleeping."

They didn't bother her after that, and Maki succumbed to "I don't want to ever get out of bed" Syndrome.

She tried to tell herself it didn’t bother her that much, but who was she _kidding_ , it bothered her a fuckton.

It was Christmas Eve, after all, and she’d be spending it alone. She’d always spent it alone, but she’d be kidding herself if she thought this Christmas Eve wouldn’t be just a little bit different than every other Christmas Eve preceding it. She still found herself hating Nico, but for a completely different reason now. She hated Nico for making her fall in love with her.

Stupid Nico had to go and be _Nico_ , and now Maki couldn’t shake her out of her mind while she was still Very Much together with her girlfriend. It had been three weeks now since they’d gotten together, and it would be their first Christmas Eve together too. Maki wondered what they were doing.

She _was_ happy for Nozomi. She truly, _truly_ was. Nozomi deserved someone who made her happy--and she guessed Nico deserved someone who made her happy too. If Maki wasn’t that person, then, well, that kind of freaking sucked, but she could deal with it.

She found herself just wanting Nico to act like she did before she got a girlfriend.

In all honesty, _maybe_ Maki hadn’t been as supportive as she could’ve been, and _maybe_ that’s why Nico chose to single her out from the rest of the group for some ripe picking. But Maki had seen the error of her ways--or, well, the error in her jealousy, and she was ready to fix it, okay. She could be the bigger person. Literally _and_ metaphorically.

Reluctantly, Maki decided she had to apologize. She was going to, today, if she could find them. Rin and Hanayo told her they were going to the mall from twelve until two, and then they would hit up the food court. Now, at two thirty-two, Maki sat in the center of the food court, eating fast food and wishing she had eaten before she left. Her stomach felt upset, and she blamed the food--not any kind of nervousness.

With sunglasses and a hat on indoors, she probably looked pretty dumb. She _felt_ pretty dumb too. But she wanted to notice them first, and not the other way around. She wanted to prove that she was serious about apologizing, and that it wasn’t just an offhanded comment she’d come up with on the spot. In fact, she had the apology _typed out_ and everything, dammit, because after reviewing her conversation with Eli, she realized it was probably the best way to get across what she wanted to say.

She folded the paper over in her hands several times, opened it back up to read it again, then refolded it so that the creases were never quite the same. “Nervous” would be an understatement right now. Maki came prepared to swallow her pride and Nico would probably take every opportunity possible to gloat about how she brought the Great N(ichi)kino to her knees, but she could take it if it meant getting the Nico she knew back to tease her again, so they could resume their banter.

_Just don’t look her in the eyes_. Right. Totally doable. Or, wait, maybe she _should_ look her in the eyes? Didn’t WikiHow mention something about getting Nico to take her seriously? Okay, change of plans; maybe she _should_ act as serious as possible. Or, in a more Maki-way of doing things, she could shove the letter in her hands and run away. That could work too.

_No_ , no, she had to do this. She had to say it to her face, or Nico probably wouldn’t forgive her. She was most likely pretty mad at her, given how much effort Maki had put into avoiding her for the last few days. She had to make it up to her with at _least_ this much. With that decided, she waited patiently for them to show up.

It took another fifteen minutes before she finally saw Nico and Nozomi out of the corner of her eye. She stood up and reached for the paper she’d tossed around on the table. They were standing somewhat far apart, with Nico ahead and looking down. Maki tilted her head and stopped herself from moving forward, clipping herself on the table leg and _fuck_ that hurt, okay, she needed to sit down now.

Intently, she watched as Nozomi motioned forward for Nico to stop. In addition to stopping, Nico turned around and glared at her, _furiously_ **.** Maki gaped.

“Look, could you just go away?” she barely heard Nico growl, though she couldn’t hear the rest of the conversation aside from a few “Why?”s and “but”s here and there.

By the time they were apparently finished with their argument, they’d attracted the attention of quite nearly the _entire_ food court. Nozomi looked back and forth, apparently aware of her situation, and her face began to redden. Nico seemed oblivious and continued to hound her, making large motions that Maki could only decipher meant _go away_.

“We’re _done_.”

She certainly didn’t expect Nozomi to break out crying in the middle of the mall and run off. Nico only glanced at her as the crowd stared her down, then resumed walking-- _in Maki’s direction_.

In a flash of regret, Maki banged her leg on the table again and hid behind the booth divider. Nico slipped by without ever having noticed her, and Maki sunk down to her knees.

_Holy fuck_.

Did they just break up?

In _public_?

But they’d barely been together a month. Hell, not _even_ a month. They'd barely been together a few weeks! What the hell could've happened between then and now that would make Nico blow up so hard?

Part of her--the part of her that should probably learn to read the situation--wanted to know, desperately.

Instances of inner-group dating _usually_  led to this. It was fine when it came to Rin and Hanayo and Kotori and Umi, but this particular relationship involved _Nico_ , so it was bound to fail eventually.

What would happen to their group, though? Would they remain friends? Would Eli kill Nico? Maybe she should start preparing a funeral.

And Nozomi looked awfully upset as she ran off. Maki wasn’t sure if she should be pissed at Nico or concerned.

She stood up, peeked over the divider, and watched Nico stomp away as well. The time it took to process what she’d just witnessed took minute after minute as she simply stood there in sunglasses and a baseball cap, looking like quite possibly the dumbest idiot in the mall.

As she stared, dumbfounded and slack-jawed, she realized with urgency that her food was being taken away.

“Hey, hey, w-wait! I was still eating that!” she called after someone who had just dumped her tray in the trash can and placed the clean one on top of a stack.

* * *

 

December 26th. It was now officially winter break for Maki.

And unluckily enough, it was raining on her first day off. Rain came uncommonly throughout the winter months, and combined with the chilling wind and lack of sun, well, it wasn’t exactly weather one would want to stand in.

Unfortunately for Maki, she didn’t get a choice. It had honestly been a miracle her Papa told her to take an umbrella just in case. Her umbrella swayed with the light breeze as she shivered, carrying a bag of last-minute groceries and an utterly-drenched shopping list constructed carefully by a maid. Tired of being seen as a child, Maki stubbornly insisted that she could do the shopping for them, but prior experience told the head maid that Maki was not skilled in the art of shopping, if the fact that she bought squash when she was supposed to buy cucumbers said anything.

With too much rain to drive in, she had conceded to walking. Of course, walking wasn’t much easier. Frequent pellets of water splashed in her face at just the right angle to blind her momentarily, and the slipperiness of the sidewalk became more apparent with every step.

She stared at the ground as she walked. Now, she wasn’t really sure what to do--or say to Nico. She hadn’t heard from her in a while, and even Rin and Hanayo said she wasn’t coming to the next karaoke night. Maki still couldn’t pull herself together to just send her a damn text; the very same last message Nico had sent her came up every time Maki tapped on her contact info.

She didn’t know _why_ she kept checking it. Maybe she hoped Nico would come to her, or something, but that was kind of dumb. Nico probably wanted to be alone right now; she wouldn’t go to one of her friends for comfort, or anything like that. Why would she do _that_? Nico was too self-absorbed to rely on her friends in that way; stupid Nico. Didn’t she realize Maki was there for her if she needed to talk? Whatever. If she didn’t want to talk, that was fine. She’d give her the apology later.

She honestly just wanted to get back home and maybe spend some time alone, since her parents were already back to work. She huffed against the wind and clung onto her umbrella as she increased her pace.

The park encompassed a large enough area that made walking through it definitely count as some form of exercise. If she walked quickly enough, she could probably be home by four, just before dark comes.

But as if fate had different plans, she saw dull pink reflected in a puddle. Maki stopped in the middle of the pathway, forcing other passersby to walk around her. The rain continued to hammer against her umbrella as she felt her lips dry.

_Nico_... _what are you doing out here?_

Purple, blue, and black umbrellas littered the pathway and the railing by the bank, carried by those who came prepared, but Nico stood without one with her back turned to her, staring off into the blurry rain. Without an umbrella, her soaked hair had gathered in clumps on her forehead; her twintails had lost their usual bounce and now flattened against her ears.

Should she go talk to her? What was she supposed to say? “Hi, you looked kind of wet, so I thought you might appreciate this umbrella?” Should she ask her about what happened? Did she even want to talk about it?

Throat dry, Maki walked down the stone steps to the railing against the lake, praying her loud, sloshing boots didn’t alert Nico to her presence.

“Nico-chan...?” she said, cautiously.

“Whuh?” Nico said, turning around. “Oh, Maki-chan! Thanks for the umbrella!”

Maki couldn’t get a word out before Nico had slipped underneath her umbrella and taken the handle out of her hands. She was utterly powerless to stop her; or, that was her excuse, anyways.

"Hey," Maki said and frowned, "that's _my_ umbrella--"

"Yeah, yeah, yeesh, I know, Maki-chan. I'll give it back after you walk me home, 'kay?"

“I never said I was walking you home!”

“So you’re just gonna let poor ol’ me walk home in the rain? How cruel, Maki-chan. I thought you were better than that.”

“I’m not--” Maki began, but was cut off when she hit her head against the top of the umbrella and bent over at the waist. “I-- _ugh_ , fine. Could you at least hold the umbrella a little higher?”

“Huh? I can’t hear you over the rain.”

“Nevermind..."

The two walked in silence--or, more accurately, Nico dragged Maki along underneath her _own_ umbrella. But Maki found it to be not an awkward silence at all; in fact, the silence was appreciated. She felt, for the first time in a few long weeks, fine again.

It looked as though Nico was back to her old self; she didn’t seem hurt, or upset, or depressed, or anything, really. Almost as if the situation with Nozomi had never happened. She didn’t know if she should bring it up again, but the nagging sensation that she needed to apologize kept bugging her.

She cleared her throat.

“Maki-chan?” Nico asked, looking up at her.

“I just wanted to, um... apologize, I guess, for how I acted towards you these last few days.”

“Eh? It’s fine. No worries.”

_Well, that was a little anticlimactic..._ Why was she being so elusive about the topic? Did it hurt her that much? Maybe it would be best if Maki didn’t bring it up either.

They stopped partway down the path, and Nico only realized when she didn’t hear Maki’s footsteps anymore.

“Maki-chan?”

“Are you sure it’s okay, though? I mean--”

“Maki-chan, I really have to get home to make dinner, okay? Can we talk about it and walk?”

Maki chewed on her lip, feeling somewhat put on the spot. She finally shook her head.

“No, Nico-chan, I really need to get this out, or I don’t think I’ll ever be able to. It feels like I’m going to explode, so just hear me out, okay?”

For the first time in a long time, Nico shut up.

“You were acting so fucking weird and I didn’t know what to do. I thought you hated me or something, and I thought I hated you, but I guess things are just way more complicated than I thought they were, and even though I still _really_ hate you sometimes--”

“Wow, Maki-chan, you’re making me feel _so_ loved--”

“--I really do care about you, Nico. God, I _like_ you, you stupid idiot. So stop acting weird, okay? If you need to talk about something you _can_ talk to me about it.” By now all of the words she’d written down on that sheet of paper flew out the window, but it didn’t matter.

“Just rely on your friends for a change, okay? You don’t have to be the bigger person all the time.”

Stunned into silence, Nico seemed to look up directly into Maki’s eyes before glancing away at the lake. She caught her gaze for only a moment, but it was there.

“I guess I haven’t really been honest myself, so I can forgive you,” she suddenly said, reeling Maki back into reality. “But I didn’t really expect you to confess to me like _that_ , geez. Aren’t you going to ask me out to dinner, first?”

“W-wha--”

“I guess Maki-chan isn’t as smooth as she likes to think she is,” Nico mused to herself and started walking again.

“H-hey, wait, what do--you--” Maki stuttered, barely noticing the raindrops peppering her scalp. She rushed forward and bent over once more to get back under the umbrella. “What do you mean by--”

“You were _obviously_ so in love with me, it was _painful_. I guess Super Idol Nico Nii has no other choice but to--”

Angered, Maki whirled her around to face her. In the process, the umbrella fell to the paved stone with a _thwack_ , and Maki couldn’t have given any less of a shit right in that moment.

“Don’t say that,” she said through her teeth, eyes flickered shut. “I don’t want you to date me because you take pity on me. I want you date me because you _like me back_ , you moron. I won’t take ‘sure’ for an answer, so do you or do you not like me?”

Nico flushed, though it was mostly invisible in the rain slicing her vision. She felt Maki’s warm breath against her cheeks and turned away, silent for a moment. Just as Maki was about to let her go and pull back in defeat, Nico looked directly at her with every emotion displayed in her gaze.

“Of course I do, Maki-chan. Do you take me for someone who dates someone she doesn’t like?” Maki thought back to Nozomi, and felt herself grimace. “Let me say it _very_ clearly for you, you dunce. I _like_ you.”

Maki stood straight, feeling her chest heave. “Okay. That’s good.”

The peace didn’t last long before Nico stared up at her, incredulously, almost offended. “Um, excuse me? ‘That’s good’? That’s all you have to say?”

“Um--”

“We need a do over, geez. You’re going to have to do a lot better than that, Maki-chan.”

“Well, I’m sorry! This was a lot harder than I expected!”

“Excuses, excuses. Come on, we’re both _completely_ soaked now, thanks to you, and I _still_ have to make dinner for my siblings, _and_ you just ruined a perfectly good confession in one fell swoop. Congratulations, Maki-chan.”

“I don’t need your opinion,” Maki said, bending over to pick up her _own_ umbrella and hold it out of Nico’s reach. _Height advantages_. Instead, Nico wrapped her arm around hers, causing Maki to flush and quicken her pace.

“Whatever, let’s hurry up. I’m cold now.”

As the two walked away, poor Maki could not have seen Nico using her free hand to give a thumbs up behind her back. And she certainly couldn’t see Nozomi, hiding behind a tree, throwing a wink in their direction, and then turning to obscure her body with a purple umbrella.


End file.
